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Beach Smiles

Some days when our hearts are heavy, and the days are so very tough to get through, we just need a reason to smile. Something to make us laugh. Here are some things that make me laugh and smile… 

As they skip across my beach… (from email and facebook and the web)

2

66

34

47

107

112

106

111

105

113

104

110

103

108

102

100

99

101

98

96

89

95

94

93

92

91

90

34

88

87

47

86

66

What?

♥ ♥ ♥ ʚϊɞ ♥ ♥ ♥

A Tale of Two Brains – Mark Gungor

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Milton singing “The Man Song” by Sean Morey

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Christmas Cake Recipe

You’ll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large
eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon
of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of
whiskey.

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it is the
highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the
electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add
one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the
mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of
dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the
beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of
salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or

something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin 350 degrees. Don’t forget to beat
off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whiskey
again and go to bed.

Merry Christmas and enjoy Your cake

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Funny Cats

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A BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE ABOUT GROWING OLD:

Well, crap…
Now I forgot what it was.

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Funny Bird

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STRESS MANAGEMENT

A young lady in front of the room, confidently walked around while leading and explaining stress management to an audience with a raised glass of water. Everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, ‘Half empty or half full?’ She fooled them all.

‘How heavy is this glass of water?’ she inquired with a smile.

Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.

The lecturer replied, ‘The absolute weight doesn’t matter. It depends on how long you hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that’s not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you’ll have to call an ambulance. In each case it’s the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.’ She continued, ‘That’s the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won’t be able to carry on.

‘As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we’re refreshed, we can carry on with the burden – holding stress longer and better each time we practiced. So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work/life down. Don’t carry it home. . pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you’re carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can. Relax; pick them up later after you’ve rested. Life is short. Enjoy it and the now ‘supposed’ stress that you’ve conquered!’

And then she shared some ways of dealing with the burdens of life:

1 * Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue!

2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

3 * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

4 * Drive carefully. It’s not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.

5 * If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

6 * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

8 * Never buy a car you can’t push.

9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won’t have a leg to stand on.

10 * Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

11 * Since it’s the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

12 * The second mouse gets the cheese.

13 * When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

15 * You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

16 * Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

17 * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.

18 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

19 * Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today.

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Babies Laugh

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AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life – WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.

8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.


♥ ♥ ♥ ʚϊɞ ♥ ♥ ♥

Bill Cosby – Understanding Southern

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A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.

She started her class by saying, ‘Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!’

After a few seconds, Little Billy stood up.

The teacher said, ‘Do you think you’re stupid, Billy?’

‘No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!’

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 Billy watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

‘Why do you do that, mommy?’ he asked.

‘To make myself beautiful,’ said his mother,

who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

‘What’s the matter, asked Billy ‘Giving up?’

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The math teacher saw that Billy wasn’t paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, ‘Billy! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?’

Billy quickly replied, ‘NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!’

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Billy’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

‘Yes,’ said the policeman. ‘The detectives want very badly to capture him.’

Billy asked,”Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”

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 Little Billy attended a horse auction with his father.

He watched as his father moved from horse to horse,

Running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Billy asked, ‘Dad, why are you doing that?’

His father replied, ‘Because when I’m buying horses,

I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Billy, looking worried, said,

‘Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom …’


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The middle Wife’ by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher:

I’ve been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best “birth” story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they’re welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. ‘This is Luke, my baby brother, and I’m going to tell you about his birthday.’

‘First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom’s stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.’

She’s standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I’m trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

‘Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, ‘Oh, Oh,Oh,Oh!’ Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. ‘She walked around the house for, like an hour, ‘Oh, oh, oh!’ (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

‘My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn’t have a sign on the car like the Domino’s man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.’ (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall)

‘And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!’ (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

‘Then the middle wife starts saying ‘push, push,’ and ‘breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother..

He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom’s play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.’

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat I’m sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it’s show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another ‘Middle Wife’ comes along.

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Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy!

I hope I gave you a smile or two! ~Sandy

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Some days are diamonds, some days are stones…

Some days the hard times won’t leave us alone…

~John Denver

©GriefBeach.com


One Response to Beach Smiles

  1. Marie Ashworth

    What an amazing site, will return to this whenever a laugh is needed, for whatever reason … Thank you for the laughs and the words of wisdom- really can’t decide which bits I liked best but the Christmas Cake and Home Remedies ( number 7 ) are classic .

    Happy Days 🙂

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